False Alternatives: Solitude or Independence

A recent poll by Pew Research found that a growing number of young women say that they are unlikely to get married. In an opinion piece on Fox, author J. P. De Gance decries this finding. For decades, he writes, parents have taught their daughters to obtain an education, establish a career, and become financially stable. He acknowledges this as wise advice. However, “when the strongest message is that needing another person is a kind of failure, it becomes harder for some young women to see marriage as anything other than a risk to that hard-earned independence.”

He goes on to argue that nobody is truly independent. For many years, we depend on our parents to care for us. As we grow into adulthood, we rely on others for many things, such as food, clothing, and shelter. And, in old age, we often depend on caretakers. This argument, while perhaps plausible to many, depends on a complete distortion of independence.

To De Gance, independence requires one to satisfy his needs and desires without interacting or cooperating with others. We must grow our own food, build our housing, and sew our clothes. If one accepts De Gance’s view of independence, love and friendship are impossible because they require interaction with others.

De Gance then cashes in on his irrational view of independence by giving us false alternatives. To encourage more women to view marriage in a positive light, they need to be taught that “prioritizing a shared life with self-sacrifice often turns out to be richer and more meaningful than a carefully guarded solitary one chasing shallow consumerism. [emphasis added]”. In other words, women must choose between a life of solitude or a life of self-sacrifice—altruism.

Independence means accepting the responsibility of judging the truth and acting accordingly rather than depending on the judgment of others. An independent person does not shun others, nor does he attempt to produce everything that he wants and needs. He interacts and trades with others when doing so is a value. The pursuit and attainment of values, not self-sacrifice, is what truly makes life richer and more fulfilling.

Other people can be a tremendous value, whether through trade, friendship, or romantic love. And they are a value, not because they offer an opportunity for self-sacrifice but because the values they offer make our life richer.